I say I say I say

Greetings

Today I'd like to talk about language or more specifically sayings, proverbs, Idioms, etc. etc.

You know things like, "He who laughs last laughs longest", eh what? beg pardon, what the f**k is that supposed to mean. How about "If the wind changes you'll stick like that" who the hell came up with that, someone who lived next door to an exploding glue factory?

There's a million of these things out there, where do they come from who makes them up, some are self explanatory but others make you wonder, things like "a chain is only as strong as its weakest link" self explanatory, but "a friend in need is a friend indeed" what's that supposed to mean? personally I prefer the adage a friend in need is a pain in the arse, but hey who am I to criticise.

There are dozens of them for every letter of the alphabet, some are really old like "a pig in a poke" or "letting the cat out of the bag" some are much more recent like "all singing all dancing", we all use them to some extent, some people more than others, myself in particular I use them all the time I'm full of them, (some say I'm just full of shit) yet how often do we think about them, I mean for instance what has "kicked the bucket" got to do with dying, how many dying people do you see going around kicking buckets.

What about "meat and two veg" to describe a blokes wedding tackle, how did that one come about, I mean you can't really describe it as meat can you, a grisly sausage maybe or a turkey neck, and where does the two veg come in? aren't vegetables either crunchy (raw) or soft and tender (cooked), I would have thought testicles would be sort of rubbery at best, and while we're on the subject what of the term wedding tackle, I mean isn't tackle meant to be kept in a box? Oh wait now I get it.

Also staying on the same theme why do we use the term knackers to denote a pair of testicles, is it because if you kick someone in them it knackers them for life, and how about knockers to denote a woman's breasts, I mean you don't see women going around knocking on doors with them do you, they don't knock together when they run, bounce up and down yes so maybe we should call them bouncers.

Of course those last two where slang terms rather than sayings but still the same questions apply, where and from whom did they originate, why did they come into common usage doubtless some smart arse will know, not that it matters some are good, some are crap, some are funny, some are wise and some make no sense at all, different ones come into and go out of fashion at different times and others seem to remain constant.

To finish I'd just like to give you my thoughts on one last one "Honesty is the best policy" whoever coined this phrase was either an idiot or a liar, and boys if you don't believe me or you're wondering why I say that, the next time your wife or girlfriend asks you does my bum look big in this try telling the truth and see where it gets you, probably the nearest A&E department.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Ta Ta.

Luck of the Irish

Greetings once again, and top of the morning to yer, god bless all here.

Now we have the formalities out the way, LUCK! why do some have it and others not, and what is meant by the saying "luck of the Irish", are Irish people particularly lucky, or is it meant to be ironic in that they are particularly unlucky, who knows? who cares? apart from Irish people of course.

But seriously why do some people seem to have all the luck, you know, the ones who if they fell in a cesspit they'd come up smelling of roses, they always pick the winning raffle ticket or scratch card, they get all the best deals, win all the competitions, get off with a caution when they should have been hung drawn and bloody quartered.

Why does everything they do or touch seem to go right, especially when everything I do or touch goes to shit, do these people have a secret of some sort, if so will someone please let me in on it because I could do with a break, hang on let me rephrase that, I could do with a change of luck.

Actually that's not really the case, it's not a change of luck I need, but rather the fact I just need to acquire some, you see I'm not unlucky per se, but on the other hand neither am I lucky, there's just a general lack of the stuff in our household particularly of late, of course there are those out there who don't believe in luck they insist there's no such thing, to them I would say BULLSHIT!

Let me give you an example of why I say that, she who must not be named, my poor long suffering wife (she does have to put up with me after all), does competitions, a lot of competitions, somewhere in the region of 5000/6000 in the last two months alone, and she has a friend who does the same competitions, mostly they are prize draw comps all you have to do is enter your details, no difficult questions to answer, no tie breaking ditties to dream up just pure equal chances, so how come my wife's freind has won four or five times what the wife has won? Is it mind over matter? Is it witchcraft, the friend has admitted she's a dab hand at jinkses, maybe she's good at potions as well, felix-felicis (liquid luck) anyone, (it's a harry potter thing).

Seriously though this isn't a new thing it's been the situation for a number of years now, statistically the wife should have won a lot more than she has, and as for me I can't win a thing, some say you make your own luck, HOW? is there a recipe if so could someone please give it to me, I've become a dab hand in the kitchen recently I could rustle some up for us all.

I don't know maybe it's an Irish thing after all, and as I'm only an eighth Irish that's why I'm short on luck, then again my dad didn't have any Irish in him at all yet he was a right lucky b*****d, why couldn't I have inherited his luck? Ah well Que Sera Sera, like I said before who knows who cares, apart from me.

Till next time stay lucky!

The Deadly Seven

Greetings all.

Today I would like to talk about the so called seven deadly sins. You know them I'm sure, but just in case you don't, they are Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride.

Now what I would like to know is what's so bloody deadly about them, the reason I ask is I need to know if I have anything to worry about, because I am of course guilty of all of them, and no doubt a lot more besides.

To start, one look at my belly tells that I am a bit of a glutton, (for that read fat b*****d). These days I seem to do nothing but eat, maybe it's boredom? and it's only got worse since I packed in smoking.

Then there's greed, (please sir can I have some more). That's me! more money, more motorbikes, more gadgets, more cars, more women, (DON'T LET THE WIFE KNOW), more money, (no that's not a mistake), more more more, you get the picture, always been a greedy sod.

Wrath, I do that more and more these days, I'm always getting angry about something or other, inconsiderate idiotic drivers, stupid politicians, cheeky little bleeders (kids), people that don't pick their dogs shit up, doctors waiting lists (six weeks for an appointment COME ON), the list is endless. Maybe it's an age thing?

Pride, I have to say guilty as charged, every door in the house has been enlarged so I can get my big head through it, my dad used to say only two heads like it Holyhead and Birkenhead, some days my head gets so big I have trouble lifting it off the pillow, then again that could just be the fact that I'm a lazy bugger, which brings us neatly to.

Sloth, now this sin is something I really know about, I mean I'm good with all the others, but this one I excel at my old ma used to say I could sleep on a clothes line, my boss used to say he'd seen more go in an aspirin, not to mention my philosophy has always been why stand when you can sit why sit when you can lay down, and if that isn't enough, many many years ago an acquaintance who though she hardly knew me was astute enough to give me a badge which states and I quote, " a human only has a finite number of heartbeats and I don't propose to waste any of mine running around doing silly exercises" unquote, I have it still, it is close to my heart.

Envy, again this is one I am all to familiar with, but then again I don't think I am alone in this, in fact I would go out on a limb here and say that 90% of the population suffer from this one to some extent or other, but speaking for myself I suffer rather badly from the green eyed monster, as with greed the list is endless, people with new bikes/cars, more money, nicer houses, better jobs, bigger willies, six packs (both bellies and booze), sad to say I envy them all. As for the 10% of the population that don't suffer, all I can say is they're either lying or they are to good to live so they should be shot.

That just leaves my favorite Lust, again guilty as charged, at least since puberty not so much before. I just can't resist looking at a nice pair of wheels, or a nice curvy set of handlebars, not to mention a nicely sculpted tank, yes folks I have to admit I love motorcycles, doesn't matter what configuration they come in be it overweight Americans, universal Japanese, old has beens of British decent, or my particular favorite those oh so lovely Italian redheads, you know the ones moto-guzzi, ducati, morini, and not forgetting the orange lovelies from laverda, yes I love getting a leg over them all. In fact I would have myself a harem if I could afford it, (and the wife would let me). Ah well its nice to dream.

So I guess that's about it, is there any hope for me? or am I doomed? I suppose I shall just have to wait and see, till then however stay young and keep your wheels in motion, I'll be trying to.

Ta. Ta.